The Tables Have Turned

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I haven’t written for a while – I started trying to create an online course.

At first it was exciting and I was taking inspired action. I was happy with my course content and got the technology set up. And then I started filming and everything went pear-shaped.

It started to feel forced and inauthentic. I was reading scripts instead of being myself. I was feeling inadequate, but yet it felt like the material had an egoistic bent where I had some magic or expert answers.

One part of me wanted to be like Kyle Cease and have the material be completely ad-lib, but another part of me wanted to know every word I had to say in advance – scripted to the last syllable. I found myself recording the same first lectore over and over again. I had so many takes and I tried to stitch them all together and it was a hodge podge of content, and not representative of me and what I wanted ot say at all! Needless to say the technology went haywire, and my video and audio quality were awful.

Yesterday I became a bit overwhelmed by emotions – it was like the dissatisfaction that had built up from every project that I had ever started and not finished came out to be healed. These old memories of inadequancy, the need to control, expectations and judgment all came up. Why does this cycle keep playing out? I have so many half-started books, journals, articles, websites, courses and talks tucked away in notebooks and computer files. I had to break this cycle!

What was I supposed to do? Push through the discomfort and get over my expectations about what it should turn out like? Should I just practice in front of the camera until it feels better? Is such a structured course even the right vehicle for what I am trying to do?

Today I took a step back and I realised that if it feels forced then it is not right. If I don’t feel good and it’s not inspiring me then I am missing the point. If I am trying and it is not effortless and easy then I need to rethink it.

I spent some time contemplating this and wondering what was going on. Here are my insights:

  • The course (or whatever I’m trying to create) is for ME! I have to stop thinking about it as being for helping someone else. It has to be CURRENT and RELEVANT for me. I have always lost interest in the past when the structure for whatever I am trying to create is fixed and I feel like I have moved on from it. That’s why I have always loved the idea of a blog – like this – or a daily insight of some kind. It is for ME, yet somehow then ends up being also for others.
  • It occurred to me that service to self and service to others are exactly the same thing! The 3rd density is all about duality/polarity and learning about choice. When we realise there is no such thing as right and wrong, we move into 4th density which is all about choosing to serve self or to serve others – and usually this is seen as selfish or selfless, but then I realised by serving myself I AM serving others because they are just a reflection and extension of me! And then we are in 5th density where it is about giving and receiving. It is just a matter of whether we are giving or receiving love or fear. And whatever we give to ourself we are giving to others and vice versa.
  • I just need to create. That’s it. No expectations and no judgement about what it is or what it ends up like. As long as it is about growth and expansion and healing. Creation comes from a place of ease and jot and grace – not force. There may be effort involved, but if the effort is for something inspiring it doesn’t seem like effort nor does it require much thought. That’s flow.
  • Everything I say to others is for ME. It’s all messages for me and my growth and next step. Any advice I give to others is for me. Whatever I suggest for my clients to try is for ME. All of it. Every last word. Including anything I want to share in a course, book, talk, article…

There is something being birthed from me. I have no clue what it is but it is something I have been yearning for for a long time. Perhaps I need to let go of how it is expressd in the outside world and focus on the inner. Then its impact will be manifested once there is enough inner impact to naturally and effortlessly materialise it.

The reason for the title of this article? For the last few months I have been seeing chairs everywhere on the side of the road when I walk or drive. This was because the CHAIR became a symbol for me for taking my place at cutting edge of the evolution of humanity. Something akin to Kryon’s referral to old souls as “those in the chairs” in his channels. I started out seeing dining chairs, but it slowly progressed to lounge chairs, recliners and more recently I had strated seeing whole loung suites on the side of the road! Also I find coins when I am out walking as a sign to pay attention to what I am thinking. I have a collection of the coins I have found sitting on my desk as a reminder of all the insights they have helped me with.

So… a strange think happened today. First of all I asked the question “what am I am afraid of?” and immediately found a 50c piece on the ground right. OK pay attention. Then I looked up and there was a TABLE on the side of the road – just a small one. Note that this table was right next to a place where there had been a wooden seat many months ago. I had always wondered where the seat went – I used to sit on it and meditate sometimes while on a walk. One day it was just gone.

Now to me a table is a place of action. A chair is somewhere to settle and be comfortable and cosy. And perhaps be a bystander. Whereas a table has objects and tools on it where work can be done. Chair = Sitting back. Table = Action.

So then I walked around the corner and there was a lounge suite on a trailer ready to be taken away! All strapped in as if the owners were about to take it to the tip. As I contemplated the “turning of tables” haha as the chairs were being taken away and replaced with tables and what this meant in terms of ACTION in my life, I rounded another corner and there in front of me was a large dining room table on the side of the road! OMG!

I am not sure where this is going, but it’s a hell of a ride!

Life continues to unfold in its mysterious ways…

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